Thoughts by Erica
just a girl who is allowing God to use her in every way
I was always told that God was our provider for everything that we need, not only tangible things but also for comfort, peace and love….wait love? Nah that’s ok God, I’ll get a boyfriend for that.
For about 5 or so years of my life, I set out on this quest to never be alone. I always had to be in some sort of relationship where I was constantly validated and had someone I could run to day or night for any of my emotional needs. I never knew until God showed me that my pattern of behavior was destructive and contrary to how he designed things to be for us.
Being a young teenager, having boyfriends just seemed to be something that you just did. Typically, they were nothing serious but as time progressed for me, they became something I felt I couldn’t function without and the enemy definitely used this to his advantage. One big mistake I made was I began reading these romance novels by the stack. You know the ones that get you so sucked in that you actually feel kind of sad when they end? Well those were my life, so much that I began to live in this fantasy world where I thought that this is how relationships are supposed to work and what things are acceptable in relationships. Well none of these books depicted anything close to how God wants us to operate with the opposite sex whether married or single. So here I am about 15 with a distorted image of relationships and marriage. This is something bad just waiting to happen.
So I get a boyfriend and all of a sudden my world is great! I feel loved, cherished, needed, and I am on top of the world. Then all a sudden, things go terribly wrong.
What is this? This isn’t supposed to happen! Well you know what? Forget you! I’ll just go get someone else who will treat me right!
“Don’t worry Erica, just get a new boyfriend and you’ll be happy again, so and so has liked you for a while anyway.” One of the lies the enemy fed me for oh so long.
So here I am with my new guy and everything is more fabulous this time than before! I feel loved, cherished, needed oh and my parents actually like this guy unlike the last one. Well things got rocky as they do in any relationship but I was determined to make this work no matter what. I couldn’t possibly be by myself. Who would love me? Who would tell me how special I was? Things turned from bad to worse and I was constantly tormented by the lies the enemy fed me.
“You weren’t good enough, He’s with her now because she is better than you, He never cared about you in the first place, nobody will ever fully love you.”
Day and night I battled with trying to deal with all the hurt I was going through, so much that I began to lose weight, I was physically nauseas all the time and I was stressed. I remember specifically a time where any ordinary girl would have been ecstatic for this to happen to her. It was my senior year of high school and I was standing on stage about to be crowned Homecoming Queen and with a fake smile plastered on my face all I could think about was,
“I wonder if he’s gonna go hang with her tonight once I go home.”
When I finally got enough strength to leave this toxic situation that lasted 4 years, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I was hurt and broken and badly needed to feel whole again. So I did what I was used to and ran into the arms of someone new and once again I felt loved, cherished and needed. This time however my family and friends were like “Erica, get to know yourself, you’re always in a relationship, learn how to be alone.”
“Be alone? For what? And for the record I already know who I am. I like to read, my favorite color is green, and I’m going to be a famous news anchor one day! What else do I need to know?
Well I didn’t know myself and the woman God created me to be and on top of that I had a lot of things inside of me that I would refuse to deal with and allow God to heal me from. I once heard a saying that “Hurt people, hurt people.” And that is exactly what I did. Instead of being on the side where I was the one that Got hurt, I really hurt the person I was with and I was so messed up because of how I was feeling about myself that I didn’t care. Even to this day, even though I know that wasn’t the person that God had for me, I still get angry with myself for the way I treated him.
Well once that relationship ended, I decided to give it one more try and guess what?
(reply “what!?” with enthusiasm)
It ended the same way the rest did….
Once that happened the enemy stepped in right on time with those same lies…
“You weren’t good enough, there is something wrong with you, just give up because no one is ever going to love you”
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!
By this time I had a choice to make, either I was going to run into the arms of another or I was going to do it God’s way, I decided to take rest in God’s loving arms. Now this wasn’t easy by any means. My mind was accustomed to blocking out pain with new relationships but I was determined to do things differently, besides, my way wasn’t getting me anywhere. I found myself in a pattern that kept repeating itself.
In a short amount of time God allowed me to see so much about myself. One of the first things He showed was that I didn’t see myself as worthy of much. I didn’t feel important unless I had a boyfriend and God showed me through his word that how great of a creation I am.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139:13
So eventually I got to the point where I finally saw myself in the way God sees me, a wonderful creation with a purpose. However there was still that longing to be loved. Now let me clarify something here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanted to be loved and wanting to love others, God innately put that inside of us. Now how we handle this is what gets us tripped up. When you go looking for others to give you something God has already given you, then many times we step out of his will and end up disappointed. I had to learn that God loves me unconditionally and it would take me being willing enough to feel what he had been trying to give me all along.
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; Psalm 103:11
During this time I actually began to cultivate a relationship with God. Not only did I begin to see him in a different light but I saw how much he loved and cared for me and I began to study his word about how he designed marriage and how it was ok for me to be single and the importance of this time of singleness. And you know what? It’s really not so bad after all!
By this time I began to feel on top of the world and for once in my life it had nothing to do with a guy but there was still something that needed to be done. I made it through the steps of allowing God to rebuild my self-esteem and allowing him to love on me but I still felt the sting of my past. You know those moments where you feel like you’re over something and then something reminds you of it and then you feel the pain all over again? Well I was having those moments a little too often. I prayed about it then God revealed to me that I needed to be healed of my past and had to let go of what happened. Now I always knew God was a healer of physical ailments but I never thought he would heal me emotionally.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
In all honesty, I can say that I am still in the healing process, some things to take time but I am so much further along than where I started. I know my God is faithful to do exactly what he said he would do.
In sharing all of this I hope to maybe help anyone who has felt like me. If you are someone who feels the constant need to be in a relationship, take the time to stop and ask God to show you why and allow him to fill any voids in your life. God longs to have a relationship with each and everyone one of us and sometimes we get so wrapped up in relationships and other things that we forget who loved us first. If you’ve been hurt or currently going through something ask God to heal your heart and restore you because that isn’t something he wants us to feel. If you’re in a season of singleness, IT IS OK! God has you there for a purpose and a reason! Use that time to grow and get to know him and allow him to prepare you for the one that he has for you and have faith that he will do it!
“And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Mark 9:23
~Erica
